Let’s see how many saucily-themed Christmas things I can find :) This one, I liked…
Yes, it’s that time of the year again, dear reader. The time when reckless young girls drop their knickers under the mistletoe after a few too many Bacardi Breezers and dirty old men bid for them on eBay.
Which is why UK Secretary of State for Culture, Tessa Jowell, has issued a stern warning to employers, urging them to make sure their female staff do not injure themselves at office parties by table dancing on desks or photocopying parts of their body. Mrs Jowell, a stunning brunette of indeterminate age who is no stranger to sexual harassment from unscrupulous men wielding whips, implored managers not to put up mistletoe as it is known to incite sexual misconduct and binge drinking, before going on to alert women to the dangers of wearing microskirts and skimpy tops to the Christmas office party.
“If you must hold an office party do keep a close eye on those who drink,” she warned ominously. “Lager makes some women lose their knickers. The party will be completely soiled — I mean, spoiled — if it ends up in unwanted pregnancies or a nasty, itchy rash. I’m as full of the Christmas spirit as the next man, er, or woman,” added Mrs Jowell, clapping a Santa Claus hat onto her head with an embarrassed giggle. “But the office is not the place to let your hair down, or indeed, your knickers.”
Polls show that twelve out of ten British firms agree with Tessa Jowell and will not be holding knees-ups this year for fear of being sued by male staff claiming injury to their genitalia by women hitting back at sexual harassment. The cultured Culture Secretary’s warning was greeted with huge sighs of relief by senior managers up and down the country, one of whom took time off from briefing his secretary on what to buy his mistress for Christmas, to talk to utterpants. “It’s no joke going to photocopy the annual report for the Chairman,” he complained, “only to be confronted with a slimy snail trail. If you must photocopy your bottom please make sure you wipe down the glass to prevent the spread of thrush.”
Single mums, already reeling from the strain of funding another credit card busting spree to provide their nippers with the latest mobile phones and Harry Potter vibrating brroms, welcomed the Culture Secretary’s announcement with equal enthusiasm. “Blokes are even more disgusting at this time of year,” one anonymous secretary told utterpants indignantly. “Not only do we have to put up with them looking up our skirts when we’re putting up the tinsel, but listen to endless, pathetic variations on ‘do you like cream on your pudding?”
“Such as?” we asked.
“Did you know that tying a bird’s legs together keeps the inside moist?”
“And does it?”
“F**k off!” snapped the woman angrily.
“Well, we were only asking..” we replied.
A female spokestypeperson from Mrs Jowell’s department made it clear to us that if firms wish to avoid calling in the emergency services this year, they should ban dangerous items such as advent candles, holly, Christmas crackers, mistletoe and novelty paper hats from office parties.
“Paper hats?” we asked. “What risk do they pose?”
“A carelessly worn novelty hat can easily slip down over one eye, causing the wearer to fall and impale themselves on a sprig of mistletoe or even holly.”
“And candles?”
The woman blushed to the tips of her pretty blond hair and muttered: “I’d rather not say…”
The Ministry have thoughtfully prepared a list of Yuletide innuendoes for employers which it deems ‘highly offensive’ and recommends that staff caught using them should be severely disciplined — or possibly lightly spanked, trousers down, with a generous sprig of holly.
Utterpants applauds Tessa Jowell’s responsible stance and has already instigated her sensible safety precautions in our offices, a decisive move which was greeted with almost unanimous approval by our staff.
“Bloody good job, too!” commented Denim Sue, (34-27-36) peevishly. “It took me over two hours to repair the photocopier last year after that slut Jennifer ran off two hundred copies of her droopy minge for her pervy American friends to drool over. I’m not going to spend this Christmas picking bits of glass out of painful places, I can tell you!”
Outspoken US columnist, Don Pitts, agreed. “If she must show off her ugly pussy why the hell doesn’t she just photograph it with her cellphone like the rest of the danged sluts in the office?”
Their opinions were echoed by Felicity O’Toole: “Christmas office parties are simply old hat, darling.”
“Do you have any advice for those who can’t resist the festive spirit?” we asked the twenty-seven-year-old ‘personal services’ consultant.
“Drinkees and work don’t mix,” she gushed, as she knocked back her fifth Bacardi Breezer when we interviewed her during her lunch break at the Cockwell Inn.
Sadly, there is always one joker in every office who is determined to cock a snook at authority and risk life and limb in the reckless pursuit of Yuletide jollies. At Utterpants that man is Barry Subchimp. “Would you like to gobble my nuts?” he asked us with a lopsided leer as we removed the last of the mistletoe from the executive washroom.
“Er, no thanks,” we replied. “They may have been in contact with the photocopier.”
I have just heard that Bettie page has died. Lots of people have never heard of Bettie Page because although she was a pin up in the 50′s she became mainly famous for more fetish-themed photography. I came across Bettie Page when I read Dita Von Teese’s book, Burlesque and The Art of the Teese. Dita was hugely influenced by Bettie.
From the BBC…
Bettie Page, one of the most famous US pin-up models of the 1950s, has died in Los Angeles, aged 85.
Her provocative poses – often in bikinis – made her a cult figure and she was one of the first models to appear in Playboy magazine.
Bettie Page was credited with helping to pave the way for the sexual revolution of the 1960s.
Some pictures of her showing bondage and spanking generated controversy and attracted a congressional subpoena.
The secretary-turned-model was admitted to hospital last month, suffering from pneumonia. She had a heart attack last week and never regained consciousness.
‘Iconic figure’
“With deep personal sadness I must announce that my dear friend and client Bettie Page passed away at 1841 this evening (0241 GMT Friday) in a Los Angeles hospital,” her agent Mark Roesler said.
“She captured the imagination of a generation with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality”, he said. “She is the embodiment of beauty”.
I never thought it was shameful. I felt it was normal. Bettie Page
Playboy founder Hugh Hefner called her a “very dear person”, AP reported.
“I think that she was a remarkable lady, an iconic figure in pop culture who influenced sexuality, taste in fashion, someone who had a tremendous impact on our society,” Hefner was quoted as saying.
Bettie Mae Page was born in Nashville, Tennessee, in 1923. Her career took off after an amateur photographer in New York asked her to pose for pictures in 1950.
She featured in posters and photographs, including one of the early centrefolds of Playboy magazine.
However not everyone was happy with the pictures. Some US lawmakers were concerned they amounted to pornography and subpoenaed Page to testify at a congressional hearing, although in the end she never had to appear.
Looking back on her career, she told Playboy in 1998: “I never thought it was shameful. I felt normal. It’s just that it was much better than pounding a typewriter eight hours a day, which gets monotonous.”
She was married three times but had no children.
She disappeared from public view in the late 1950s, turning to religion and battling mental illness. However, decades later, she became the subject of renewed interest.
Mr T arrived today, at the door with a santa beard and hat on, and a big grin. What a surprise, It was hilarious – I loved it and laughed so much. Thank you Mr T, you made my day! To make you laugh too, a Christmassy joke…
I don’t know why I didnt think of this before. You know about my champagne and lobster lunches right? Extremely tasty and bubbly – the food and champagne are pretty good too ;) But of course you sensible boys sometimes have to carry on driving for the rest of the day. Sooooo, I am now giving you the option to have a lovely discreet lunch with me at my place in Plymouth sans the champagne. A fab two course lobster or seafood lunch (or something else if you prefer) with soft drinks now for just £230 – to include 1 hour private time. Do you like that idea?
I’ve put them up. Oh yes, by jove, the Christmas decorations have gone up and there is no stopping me now! I didnt put them up last year as I went away somewhere warm for the festivities and galloped around in a bikini for a week :) But this year, I shall be staying put and it is going to be such fun! I have a very special friend coming down just before Christmas and we are planning all sorts of lovely things together. Hurray!, I wish it could be Christmas every day – there’s a song in there somewhere :) x
Talking of songs, I just read that a hotel has banned the Slade Christmas song (Count Bartelli will be pleased hehe)
From the Telegraph today…
The Holiday Inn in Kensington, west London, decided they would no longer play the 1973 Christmas Number One following a large number of complaints.
Hotel spokeswoman Eleanor Conroy explained: “We always want to make sure guests have an enjoyable time when they stay with us.
“So when it became apparent that the Slade hit was not being well received by such a large proportion of our guests, we decided the best way to keep everyone’s spirits up in the countdown to Christmas was to remove it from the playlist.
“It’s currently the only song to have been withdrawn by public demand, but if there are any more Christmas turkeys that guests want to ban we will be listening out for any serious requests.”
The song is a regular feature at UK nightclubs around the Christmas season, and has re-entered the UK Top 40 singles chart on a number of occasions. It is particularly memorable for frontman Noddy Holder’s screeching delivery towards the end of the song.
Other hotels in the chain are considering a ban on the hit by the group.
Last year, BBC Radio One was criticised for its decision to ban the full version of Pogues classic Fairytale of New York.
I love both of those songs! So I am going to be a cheeky minx and put one here. :) (Ducks for cover from the Count hehehe)
Mr M sent me this lovely little book, The Erotic Review’s Photographer of the Year Prize. I like it, thanks M! x It contains lots of erotica photographs (obviously) from amateurs and professionals alike. Some are outstanding, some are plain scary! I thought you may want to have a look at some of them and so here, for you dear ones is a little slide show… Enjoy!
Marie Duplessis was born Rose Alphonsine Plessis in 1824 at Nonant-le-Pin, Normandy, France. Her father became her de facto pimp when she was about 12 years old. At the age of 15, she moved to Paris where she found work in a dress shop.
As recorded in art of the day Marie Duplessis was evidently an extremely attractive young woman, with a petite figure and an enchanting smile. By the time she was 16, she had become aware that prominent men were willing to give her money in exchange for her company in both private and social settings. She became a courtesan and learned to read, write, and to stay abreast of world events so as to be able to converse on these topics with her clients and at social functions. She also added the faux noble “Du” to her name.
Duplessis was the mistress of Alexandre Dumas, fils between September 1844 and August 1845. Afterwards, she is believed to have become the mistress of composer Franz Liszt, who reportedly wished to live with her. Throughout her short life, her reputation as a discreet, intelligent, and witty lover was well known. She remained in the good graces of many of her benefactors even after her relationships with them had ended.
Marie Duplessis died of tuberculosis at the age of 23 on February 5, 1847. Two of her former lovers, Swedish Count Von Stakelberg and French count Édouard de Perregaux, whom she had briefly married, were by her side. Within a few weeks of her death, her belongings were auctioned off to pay her debts. Still, her funeral in Montmartre cemetery was said to have been lavish, and attended by hundreds of people.
Ohh look see what I received yesterday! It is a beautiful set of bath oils from Jo Malone. I love Jo Malone products, especially the candles so you can imagine how thrilled I was to receive this special gift and knowing how much trouble was had in getting it to me :) – thank you so much Mr A!
I guess I have expensive tastes. Its not that I look at things, check out the price tag and go for the most expensive. In fact this is what usually happens… and I will give you a prime example – Beds. I was looking at new bed frames (no mine hasn’t worn out!) and went all around the Dingles bed department, not even looking at the prices. Guess which one I picked? Yep the the most expensive one in the shop. Quality is nice though isnt it? Oh and it lasts longer, thats my excuse. Not that these bath oils will last long – too delicious, I think I may try one tonight just before I prepare for a very special dinner date :) x
No I am not standing for parliamentary election although one could argue that I couldnt do any worse than the lot we have in now. No, I am referring to these crazy little buttons that can be seen at the side of this blog. I am getting quite a large readership now from all over the world and its ever so exciting! Think of it as my memoirs and instead of you having to go buy a book – voila! – they are here, free for all. So if you have enjoyed some, (all?) of my postings get your clicky finger ready and vote for my blog so more people can read it. I’ll pop a button here too so you dont forget :)
I am not keen on this company. For a start they charge you (the client) to look at an Escort’s profile, which will then usually lead you onto a website - you can easily do that for free just by typing in ‘plymouth escort’or wherever you may happen to be. I don’t like the thought of some company charging you guys for something that can easily be accessed via the net for nothing. Thats the first thing. Secondly, they charge ladies an extortionate fee to advertise on the site too - I assume they target new ladies who dont know that they dont have to pay to advertise on the net. They must be making a fair bit of money from both sides. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for anyone setting up a business and trying to make an honest buck but I dont like rip offs. Platinum Select used to advertise heavily on Google with adwords – they used to pay to have their ads put on the top of searches. Google has stopped escort related sites from doing that now so Platinum Select will have to compete for space at the top of searches now. The third reason I dont like this company is that they have stolen my content not once but three times. I have had the previous two removed and am in the process of having this last theft removed too. What is interesting though is that the hosting company has informed me that they will terminate that site if this is not resolved satisfactorily. And you thought my skills were just in the boudoir! :) Watch this space.
This here blog thing started as a way to express my saucy self. But do you know what? There's more to me than the saucy bits! So herewith you will find all sorts of thoughts, anecdotes, ideas, funny things (lots of them), deep and meaningfuls - a mixture of everything really, just like life. I hope you like it here. I like it here. It's cosier if you are here too so stay a while - and make a comment when you feel the need; I like that x
Newsletter
For the Gents who like to know what's what, I have an email newsletter where I send you advance notice of specials, new pics, tours, lovely ladies I recommend etc. Please fill in your email address below and you're going to get it (the newsletter that is ;)
“If you must hold an office party do keep a close eye on those who drink,” she warned ominously. “Lager makes some women lose their knickers. The party will be completely soiled — I mean, spoiled — if it ends up in unwanted pregnancies or a nasty, itchy rash. I’m as full of the Christmas spirit as the next man, er, or woman,” added Mrs Jowell, clapping a Santa Claus hat onto her head with an embarrassed giggle. “But the office is not the place to let your hair down, or indeed, your knickers.”
I never thought it was shameful. I felt it was normal. Bettie Page 
This here blog thing started as a way to express my saucy self. But do you know what? There's more to me than the saucy bits! So herewith you will find all sorts of thoughts, anecdotes, ideas, funny things (lots of them), deep and meaningfuls - a mixture of everything really, just like life. I hope you like it here. I like it here. It's cosier if you are here too so stay a while - and make a comment when you feel the need; I like that x
