Just Need to Find a Poker Player Then…
Sunday, October 18th, 2009
Rhia Charles, high class escort in London
Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
Occupational Hazards
Monday, October 12th, 2009
The 11th Husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.
‘What?’ said the puzzled groom. ‘How can that be if you’ve been married ten times.?’
‘Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
‘Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.
‘Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
‘Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
‘Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art method.
‘Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
‘Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
‘Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
‘Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
‘Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was…..God I miss him.
‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’.
‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why?
‘You’re with the GOVERNMENT..
This time I KNOW I’m going to get SCREWED!’
Queen Guinevere
Sunday, October 4th, 2009
King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.
King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”
“Ah, Sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the greatful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”
But unfortunately Sir Galahad was speechless.
New London Tour Dates!
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
As promised, here they are!
November
Monday 16th
Tuesday 17th
Wednesday 18th – FULLY BOOKED
December
Tuesday 1st – FULLY BOOKED
Wednesday 2nd – FULLY BOOKED
Full details on my Tours Page here.
As usual, if any of the dates you would like are booked, please let me know and I will place you on my cancellation list. Cant wait to see you there! x
The Digital Switchover in Devon
Sunday, September 27th, 2009
Oh, we all knew it was coming and I (which is very unlike me) firmly ensconsed my head in the sand.
Actually, I was joking to a few people that if my TV got stolen, I would not even notice for about 3 months. haha haha. (in a cocky jokey manner)
Actually, I dont watch it. Not really, not anymore. I dont want to sound like one of those intellectual snobs but I just havent had the time and besides that, its all rubbish on there anyway these days. Isnt it? I used to love Shameless and Desperate Housewives, oh and of course Sex and the City (please tell me if any of those come back on).
I used to though, watch TV. Loads of all sorts of nonsense ( I blame it on my student days – why is it ‘endearing’ for students to watch crap and for other people it is ‘mindless nonsense’? anyway, as usual, I digress) So, some other things came into my life and therefore TV and most of the stuff on there became obsolete, took a back seat as it were.
Soooooo, when this switchy over business came into play; and I was only told this by one of my fellas – ‘Try and turn the TV on’ he says ‘Go on, you wont get a signal’ - ‘Oh I dont care’ says I, I’ never watch it anyway’.
When he left I kind of went into a little panic. Oh what if I want to watch something, what if I get bored? What if, what if?. Stop. Actually I spent two years of my life without a TV (yes I was an adult) and no it was not the end of the world.
So I run in and turn my TV on (the one I have paid no attention to for 3 months) and OMG!!! it is blank, a fuzz. Well, the world is over then. Its scary when you are disconnected, it really is. Whats even scarier is that I feel scared that I am disconnected because of a bloomin’ TV!
Now, I went travelling wth nothing more than a backpack, twinkly blue eyes and a smile for a year. TV or rather the lack of it did not bother me. In fact, when I came back I found it very odd that people would congregrate around a box rather than each other. I have never understood some people’s need for constant noise around them. I love peace and quiet. I really love peace and quiet.
So, in my panic I managed to contact a very nice lady from the digital switchover helplines ( set up exclusively for people like me :) – she was a doll and very kind and talked me through the whole thing – setting up the digital box anew etc etc. Thank God for angels.
Anyway, a little analytical thinking was in order here and I assume my disconcertion with the lack of TV was the fact that it was something taken away from me. We expect these things to be there all the time, in our society, even if we dont want them and feel out of the loop if they are taken away, it feels if we are not part of things anymore.
We may choose to be a part of these or not but we like the choice and its not nice when we are excluded. No one likes to be excluded. Thats my psuedo-psychological analysis on a simple thing like the digitial switchover. Hmmmmm.
Now then, I bet you cant wait to come and see me now hey? hahaha, I am not so deep and serious, honestly – I am a fun bunny – just you wait and see!
Oh and here’s one of those crazy signs to set you off nicely for the week ahead – have a good one!
And Before I Go…
Saturday, September 19th, 2009…off to London, I wanted to share this with you – another of those signs I love, hehehe.
See you back in Devon after the 26th. I have a few dates available when I get back and I am contactable via email or phone while I am away. xxx
I Couldn’t Resist…
Sunday, September 13th, 2009…sharing another one of these. I can’t stop chortling at them!!
Sign Language
Thursday, September 10th, 2009I love these! Crazy signs that people take a quick photo of when they are visiting new places. This one, as soon as I saw it, I thought, ‘That has to be in Australia!’ I wasn’t far off, it is New Zealand. Typical of our Antipodean friends’ brilliant sense of humour though :)
More to come…
Bill Hicks
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009The late, great Bill Hicks. I was introduced to this fine gentleman via a video when I was in Australia. He was very, very funny in a get down and dirty subversive way. I liked him a lot. May I share some of his legacy with you?
Orgasm Types
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms – hahahaha
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms – not true!
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = there’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
Keep in touch x
What’s it all about Alfie?
This here blog thing started as a way to express my saucy self. But do you know what? There's more to me than the saucy bits! So herewith you will find all sorts of thoughts, anecdotes, ideas, funny things (lots of them), deep and meaningfuls - a mixture of everything really, just like life. I hope you like it here. I like it here. It's cosier if you are here too so stay a while - and make a comment when you feel the need; I like that xNewsletter
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